Book Review: Fifty Shades of Grey

30 Aug

WARNING: Adult Content. By continuing, you have acknowledged that you are of legal age.

For bb darlings…

Also: I lied. This would read more as RAGEY BLURBS

I kind of have a super pathetic love life right now, so when I read a romance novel I expect to sort-of relate to the female protagonist. It was easier to connect with a fictional character when I was younger and more impressionable; hence the stacks of Harlequin novels I’d collected throughout my adolescence. I remembered there used to be a few that I loved, not just because of the steamy parts but mostly because the female leads’ were the kind of women I wanted to be. By the time, I think their whole attitude towards romance was probably the approach that I would’ve taken.

Now that I am approaching my thirties (GOSH DARN IT) and having been through Real Life™, mindsets and ideals have (thankfully) changed. While I thought that some of my past-heroines stood up, some made me cringe in shame. There’s this one novel that I used to rate so highly that had this passive-aggressive, hysterical, and weak-ass female lead. So basically she got so dickmatized; she thought she was in love with this asshole male lead. I would’ve definitely thrown the book and screamed “GUUUURRRRLL” had I read it now. Honestly, I haven’t found a good romance novel after… uh… forever. So if any of you guys know something I don’t: DO SHARE.

So that’s basically how I was sucked in to the “Fifty Shades of Grey” (from now on will be referred to as FSoG) hype. And now my life has never been the same. In a bad way. It also made me realise that my life decisions still sucked balls. I should’ve taken the red flags more seriously. The most damning red flag of all: it was a Twilight-based fanfiction; and what was the last good thing that came out of Twilight? Exactly. (OK maybe just one: Anna Kendrick)

But again, I was thirsty DEHYDRATED for some good romance read. I took a chance and probably humiliated myself when I purchased the hard copy of FSoG. Thank bloody Jesus I had the common decency to never read this crap in public.

You could probably Googled the synopsis: it’s about this girl Anastasia who somehow got involved with a ~~~mysterious millionaire Christian Grey, who later on introduced her to some kinky-ass creepy violent sex and lopsided relationship.

Reading this book, and later on finding out that SO MANY WOMEN in the world worship that asshole bastard Christian Grey made me rage so hard. Why. I think things got truly WTF for me from the “Contract” thingy. Seriously, that part is immensely despicable and disgusting. Why would anyone of moderate intelligence want to be in that kind of relationship? Why would you want to relinquish any freedom and dignity for sex; no matter how great it is? NO SEX IS THAT GOOD, LBR. And why in the world of fucks would  a young woman in this day and age be so unfathomably lifeless, devoid of character, vapid, and SO FUCKING STUPID? If there is anything that FSoG gets right, it was that Ana was the perfect target for sexual predators such as Grey. Seriously, for him it must have been as easy as catching a dead fish on land. The 1st book does end with a cliffhanger (in which that stupid trollop Ana FINALLY did one thing right by dumping his ass — sorry for the spoiler but nope I’m really not sorry), and it did make me troll for free copies in the torrentverse. Guess what? I didn’t even make it past 38 pages of the 2nd book because that girl keeps getting stupider and stupider by every move and I just….

This is not a matter of taste. It’s a matter of setting back a few movements at once: women’s right, women’s place in literature, and COMMON FUCKING SENSE. I won’t throw shade against her grammar because Lord Jesus knows that my grammar could be as shady at times (E.L. James is a native English speaker and I am not tho), so imma just let Fifty Shades of Suck do it for me.

If any of you who happens to be someone I know in real life have read this book and liked it: SORRY BUT WE CANNOT BE FRIENDS.

Gurl, if you want to read some steamy stuff PLEASE. There are plenty of free stuff in the internet that are much much much better written than this mess and some of them even have coherent storyline with characters that don’t make your blood boil. (NSFW Warning –> PS: I’ve read some of Ryan Lochte – Michael Phelps gay fanfiction; this was good, this was amazingly written, and THIS IS LOLTASTIC AS HALE IN A GOOD WAY —JUDGE ME ALL YOU WANT I REGRET NOTHING; and it made me a Phlochte believer. Also if you go >.< at Tom Daley and his insanely cute EVERYTHING; this straight fic is an insanely addictive read).


Prepare your body tbh; and you are welcome.

Aside from preachy and pretentious Coelho books (I managed 2 1/2 of his books until I cannot anymore; and I usually have high bullshit tolerance), this is BY FAR— B Y F A R– the most horrible piece of ~literature that I have ever had the displeasure to read. And nope, I never read any of the Twilight mess. I doubt that it could get any worse than FSoG.

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8 Responses to “Book Review: Fifty Shades of Grey”

  1. citsav September 7, 2012 at 4:52 am #

    AMEN, SISTER!
    seriously. I just cannot stand reading the book. Although I got it for free, and I can read it everywhere from tab without enduring judging looks from surrounding, but really .. even skimming it is boring. Let alone really reading it.
    BTW just read some of your post. Your gifs are hillarious! 🙂

    • Tephy September 7, 2012 at 2:10 pm #

      Thanks bb I aim to please 😀

  2. The Sanguine September 7, 2012 at 8:35 am #

    Hahaha!

    I’m not the only one who write an angry disgusted review of this fifty shades of suck. hahaha!

    You go girl!

    So this means we can be friends in real life. yay!

    • Tephy September 7, 2012 at 2:33 pm #

      OMG OUR GOOD TASTE GAVE ME HOPE FOR THE REST OF HUMANITY

  3. mimi September 13, 2012 at 8:28 pm #

    I agree with you a 100% that girl Ana Steele is so dumb and stupid that I wanted to go inside the book and kick her ass. The guy needs about 500 volts of electricity to stop treating women like shit .

  4. candyjkt September 14, 2012 at 10:28 am #

    well so sad that we cant be friends, but i do like fifty shades n yes people can be that addicted (reading/doing)
    to that sort of kinky s**ual activity. hahaha, cheers

    • Tephy September 18, 2012 at 9:52 pm #

      gurl ask anyone and they will testify that my mind is completely irreparably stuck in the gutter. Srsly don’t tell my mom but if you open my browser history there’s some kinky crap thurr. I don’t mind people being kinky and getting it on BUT MY GAWD THIS BOOK IS BAD. THE END.

  5. mahel September 19, 2012 at 8:17 am #

    Thanks for giving me your copy of the book teph, Teph! xD

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